To All Students:
It has come to this administration’s attention that there is now a second 32-page issue of “Bands I Useta Like” magazine. You may recall the trouble that resulted on campus after the first pile of this filth appeared. We do not want a repeat of that incident. Ergo;
“Bands I Useta Like” magazine is hereby banned from the campus. All copies found will be confiscated and destroyed.
Fertile young minds such as yours need not be polluted by these foul, nihilistic comic books, and as educators, we owe the student body a “safe space”, far away from the ideas and privilege of self-proclaimed “humorists”. Just because this is a place of learning doesn’t mean it has to be scary.
[TRIGGER WARNING] We have found that the second issue of “BIUL” is much worse than the first, featuring suicide, assassins, violence, vandalism, defecation, and anal penetration with a foreign object. It is precisely the sort of comic book we hoped had gone away forever. But the creator of “BIUL” is a sick man, stuck in the past, intent on celebrating long-dead pastimes. His knowledge of the world of music and its appreciation is highly mendacious. He is capricious, brutal, and no one you should ever emulate.
The only way to discourage this disturbed individual is to not purchase his product. This is key to keeping “Bands I Useta Like” away from your school. If you don’t buy it, the other students can’t get their hands on it, unless they click this link.
The rest is up to you. The faculty is powerless to keep you from buying “Bands I Useta Like”; all we can do is confiscate it on sight and destroy it, which makes it a waste of your allowance. You’d be better off tucking it away in a bag somewhere. But we implore you, keep that garbage off campus; any lessons that could be gleaned from it are the wrong ones. The purity of your minds and thoughts is our utmost priority.
Best of regards,
Your Principal
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