All Hallows’ Eats III: Candy Of The Corn

Welcome to the third installment of our perennial perusal of Halloween sweets. If for some reason this one’s not enough for you, here’s the first, and the second. It’s a lot of sugar and junk, so pace yourself.

I don’t want to admit that I’ve been eating a lot of candy corn this fall, but earlier I cut myself and bled orange. I’m surprised my craps aren’t pumpkin-colored by now. I make a lot of sacrifices for this website, but at this point I feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, writhing and bleeding, muttering “shit… I’m still eating this shit.”

Let’s soldier on, and try to forget that in the tradition of the horror franchise, this probably won’t be the last installment (I haven’t even visited Krispy Kreme yet).

Sometimes it’s the little things that make the season great. These Tic Tacs are not scary. I don’t know how that rumor got started. I bet it was Mindwipe, the Decepticon hypnotist who turned into a bat. They’re in his colors.

The Tic Tac people have just about perfected Cherry and Grape flavors, and that’s what you get here. They’re actually tasty enough to eat separately, and not in clusters of six like I do. Now, if they could only prolong that first taste you get when you pop a mint Tac in your mouth, the world would beat a path to their door. (What is that fabulous taste? Carnauba wax?)

Okay- here’s why I think I went too far this year. This entry and the next are “candy corn” flavored, and I honestly couldn’t tell. It is entirely possible that I blew the candy corn fuse in my tongue. It takes two weeks to recover taste buds burned out by hot sauce, and I think I did the equivalent with the “sweet” region. I’m rough on my own five senses.

There’s no way a company would put the words CANDY CORN on the package at that size, and not make the thing taste like candy corn. The chocolate was delicious, but I neglected to check if it was genuine (note “chocolatey” on the wrapper). In the middle was a layer of squishy orange frosting that probably tastes like candy corn to someone who hasn’t been gorging on it all month. I got some on my fingers and absorbed it. If I die tomorrow, I will chuckle at the stupidity of my existence with my final gasping breaths.

This was a good candy bar, but I don’t think I can rate it on the BOOdos scale I’d forgotten about until just now. It looks like a couch in a nice upscale apartment I couldn’t afford to occupy.

In 2012, the world didn’t end as falsely predicted, but for snack lovers, it already had. There were no Twinkies.

Think about that statement: there were no Twinkies. That’s bleak, man. That’s like waking up one day and learning that there’s no Sweden. I’ve never been to Sweden, but I like knowing that it’s there. I hadn’t eaten a Twinkie in years before they went away, but their presence on grocery store shelves was always a comfort. They were there if I needed them.

In 2o13 Hostess returned, and even though the Twinkies aren’t the same (they can’t be, because the nation’s dietary standards are capricious as always), they’ve outdone themselves overall, in particular by bringing back Chocodiles. For decades, I’ve been bitching about their absence, which I’m reminded of every time I watch Boyz N The Hood. There’s even a Red Velvet Cupcake, which I hope to god you good people outside of the South can find. It is spectacular.

So now there’s these Candy Corn Cupcakes, plus a Pumpkin Spice version that terrifies me. I honestly can’t tell anymore if these tasted like actual candy corn. However:

• They must have been really tasty because I ate 6 of them in one sitting.
• I think the Cupcakes have been downsized like Twinkies, because with these, I took a bite, then shoved the rest in my mouth. They aren’t big.
• The sprinkles don’t fall off that much, especially if you eat cupcakes like a duck, as I do.*

*Don’t feed ducks cupcakes. Bread is also very bad for quackers.

This is the one to beat this year for BOOdos. Try as I might, I could not get a decent picture of the Cap’n’s otherworldly coloring. He’s tinted green, to go with the ghosts. On the other hand, the hue of the milk as pictured is exactly the color the milk turns. It’s not unappetizing at all, which is a feat. I have bad memories of Pac-Man cereal turning the milk gray, like gutter slush.

Obviously, here is another instance of technology improving since the last time I ate something. The “ghosts” start out pink, then slowly turn ghoulish green while tinting the milk. I think the last time I ate this cereal was third grade, and it tasted nowhere near as good as this. Plus, the reason I mutinied from Cap’n Crunch has been removed from the equation: it does not mutilate the roof of your mouth anymore. 

I don’t know what they did. I literally mashed this shit into my palate with my tongue like a medieval press, with no abrasions as a result. (I’ve only eaten it with milk, so I’m not liable if you go insane and eat it raw out of the box.) And, I don’t remember Cap’n Crunch ever tasting this good.

So if you’ve ever in your life said “I love Cap’n Crunch, but it hurts my mouth”, welcome to Xanadu. This entry receives highest BOOdos. 

Until Part IV, after I’ve gone to Krispy Kreme. But that’s assuming I survive the sugar coma.