“All The Snakes Go Crazy”

I have this idea for a movie. It was kind of inspired by Snakes on a Plane, but not in the way you think; my movie would be good. It would be relatively inexpensive to make and gross tons of money. Hear me out.

The idea is: one day, all the snakes go crazy.

No one knows why; there’s no time to find out. Wherever there’s a snake, craziness abounds. They fly from trees like scaly torpedoes. They lasso and choke old ladies. They don’t even seem to be biting people; they’re performing unforeseen acts like bouncing on their tails to get around. Even people who like snakes are freaking out.

There will be no cliché “constriction scene” in ATSGC; that would establish motive for the snakes to attack. The whole point is that no one knows why. It’s not even clear if people are being killed. Wherever the snakes go crazy, everyone runs. 

The snakes aren’t even centralized. They just go where the people are and wig out. Imagine if five cobras literally rolled up to you as wheels, then meowed in harmony. You’d either flee or be trampled by those who already are fleeing.

Okay, we’ve established the setting; now we need a protagonist, to root for and be our eyes. Snakes on a Plane had Samuel L. Jackson, of course, and I have a black male lead in mind as well. One of my very favorite comedians, Tracy Morgan.

(Who is not attached, legally obligated to, or even aware of this pipe-dream.)

All that’s necessary is to set up a bit with a snake going crazy, and film Tracy Morgan reacting. Eventually you’ll have enough gold to staple into a vague narrative arc, and boom. We got ourselves a movie, baby!

Here’s the hook: Tracy is in a wheelchair. Not for any reasons other than to add dramatic tension by reducing his mobility during snake craziness, and to make it easier on the actor himself. This puts the focus fully on Tracy once he enters the narrative. It’s not even necessary to explain why he’s in the wheelchair. He just is, and the snakes are going crazy!

“Damn- you see that snake goin’ crazy over there?!?” -predicted dialogue

At the start, he could have a friend pushing his chair, who falls victim to a crazy snake. Or, he could have an electric wheelchair, which is slowly running out of power. Morgan’s reactions would be reason enough for the movie to exist. He could reach for the cord to charge up, and IT’S REALLY A SNEAKY SNAKE!

“Yo, that ain’t right, y’all! I’ve had it with these crazy-ass snakes goin’ crazy all over the damn place!”

Tell me you wouldn’t watch that, as jaded as you are, to see how Tracy gets out of it. He’s got to, right? Otherwise how can he return for the sequel, All The Spiders Go Crazy?

Okay, maybe you’d need an actual reason for the snakes to flip out. Maybe it’s a snake-to-snake chain reaction, caused initially by a snake exposed to Klezmer music. I mean, Klezmer music always has that clarinet part, that sounds like snakes going crazy, doesn’t it? Am I wrong about this?

Well, let’s say Klezmer contains hidden frequencies that tap into an ancient part of the snake’s brain, making it able to slither up walls, bounce like a spring, or shoot like a javelin. Once a king snake jumped at me; it was the first time I’d ever seen a snake jump, and it scared me into the house for the rest of the day. If viewers see snakes doing seemingly impossible things, like whipping dudes on the back, or shooting up the leg of a pantsuit, it’ll be like Jaws in 1975. People will line up.

I would advise against an “easy antidote”, however; don’t have the snakes repelled by Norwegian death metal, or something similar, where Tracy has to roll around with a boombox, spreading the word. It has to be something clever, that won’t spoil the movie if it leaks. Maybe the wheelchair is outfitted with armored tires, and Tracy starts crushing snake everywhere he goes, becoming a symbol of the new human resistance. More opportunities for hilarious ad-libbing, not to mention a montage, as Tracy builds the “SnakeCrusher” up with available materials, in a dark garage.

You know you’d watch that. Oh, I forgot to mention, some goofball tried burning the snakes with a flamethrower, and it turns out they’re not only fireproof, but flammable. Flaming snakes that can fly. You’ll definitely want to see what’s next, when the snakes finally overtake mankind…

Planet of the Snakes.

Realistically, Tracy Morgan wouldn’t be in this one; he’d be a revered, mythical figure by now. The man who first struck back against the snake menace. The best human warriors go out on raiding parties in Mad Max-style wheelchairs, roll-killing every snake they see. Sometimes they come back. When they do, they tell the children in hushed whispers of The Day, when their grandparents witnessed the most tragic yet hilarious event in the history of the world.

The Day All The Snakes Went Crazy.