Disappointment: Childhood’s Elegy

Let’s have us a little year-end reality check.

By this point, almost everybody that uses the Internet has made visible their material possessions and desires. It became, in short, competitive material fanaticism. 

Often, when someone discovers that I have a collection of something, they respond “I have more.” Either of the object in question, or something they consider to be comparable in value. I have so many Transformers that collectors ask me the number, then invariably reply with double my quote. If I show people old comics or non-sport cards I own, they say “oh yeah, I have even older ones at home.”

I don’t reveal exhibits that I’ve carefully maintained for decades so people can tell me they’ve seen better, at their own private museum. But this is the current attitude. Haven’t you noticed?

Well, I’ll tell you who did notice- the corporate world. Opportunistic and soulless people saw that even during the worst economic period in recent history, families still paid to dress up like superheroes and Jedi. A rigged presidential election, terrorist attacks, and riots combined couldn’t compete with a woman in a Chewbacca mask.

This is 21st century “viral marketing”.

1. A woman did some silly thing on video, for attention, wearing one of her kids’ masks.
2. It’s a woman, and a mother, so anyone who makes fun will automatically “look bad”.
3. Until she does or says something against the company’s interests, she won’t be sued or issued a cease & desist, because it’s free promotion.
4. She has no clear aspirations of stardom, at least at the outset, which greatly appeals to news programs and talk show hosts (“Humility By Association”).

Marvel’s fandom is slowly coming to the conclusion that they’ve been relentlessly played for a decade. How many times did Marvel conjure a false furore over the lack of an action figure? First it was Zoe Saldana painted green in 2014’s Guardians of the Galaxy, a movie audiences will totally forget about until the sequel next year, when director James Gunn does his slobbering act on social media again. Then, the fact that a chunk of plastic representing Scarlett Johannsen was absent from toy store shelves became more important than the Dakota Access Pipeline.

There were actually news articles, written by actual humans, about how this oversight was a brutal oppression against little girls. Never mind the fact that action figures of women tend to sell less in boys’ action figure franchises. Never mind the fact that even if Black Widow was a dude, a person in an all-black jumpsuit makes for a dull toy.

I lost track of Marvel’s movies after The Avengers. That was the first time a movie I thought was garbage grossed over a billion dollars (unless Iron Man 3 came before it; I literally can’t tell these fucking things apart anymore). Avengers kills its first hour with a recap of all the other Marvel movies, except Spiderman, which was owned by Sony. By the time Spidey showed up again in Civil War, I didn’t even care.

These aren’t superheroes; they are actors, signed to contracts that will eventually expire. One day, Iron Man will be played by someone who isn’t Robert Downey Jr., and you’ll be told to like it or lump it. Depending on the popularity of the new star, the movie will take off or more likely tank, thanks to the fanaticism of the fandom. The bean-counters blame the intellectual property, and BOOM- you don’t get no more Iron Man movies.

Until one of two things happens: a total overhaul, or a retrofitting. 

The Michael Bay Transformers movies have been successful because audiences see the characters they love on-screen. The human cast is there to react and keep costs down, and can be rotated. But make no mistake; you buy the ticket, and you see Optimus Prime up there on the big screen. And it’s not a popular beefcake in a rubber suit.

Wanna hear something crazy? On occasion I take my glasses off while watching a Transformers DVD (I’m horrifically nearsighted), and the faces and bodies of the CGI robots are still identifiable. I don’t even understand how that’s possible.

The portrayal of the robots in the Bay movies is built on two ideas:

1. A visually complex image that’s believable but not physically possible to fabricate
2. A deep and compelling voice to go with the image

These can be altered without the audience noticing, for the most part. How easy a trip did Jared Leto have, being the next man after Heath Ledger to step into the Joker’s clown shoes? How did fans react to the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, after Christian Bale?

Consider the importance of Batman v. Superman and Suicide Squad now, compared to just a short time ago. For Christ’s sake, Margot Robbie played Harley Quinn, and everyone went ho-hum. I haven’t even seen it yet. Or did I? I don’t know anymore!!!

That’s what you call a glut. And what comes after a glut? Nothing. It’s worse than obscurity.

Anyone who’s serious about collecting toys remembers the ones that didn’t sell, and if they’re the least bit knowledgeable, they get angry on the Internet about it, as though it were a personal offense. I’ve seen fitful diatribes about Jumpstarters, a pair of pull-back Transformers I personally loved, and knew many other kids who did as well. Yes, they sat on shelves- there were tons of them, and they were cheap, even though they came packed in a nice box.

Making jokes about toy collecting is how I rationalize doing it in my mid-forties. Others take it very seriously; too seriously, which is why Disney is back to being an identical sequel factory. This is more appealing to the quasi-autistic pedants than innovation and progress. Surely you noticed that:

• Finding Nemo, one of Pixar’s finer films, got an unnecessary sequel.
• It’s Disney, so the marketing materials (and the film itself) are identical to the predecessor.

Did the highly-touted all-girl Ghostbusters sell lots of merchandise? Why would anyone expect it to? Do you think that you can just force a property, especially one with a beloved history, and proclaim “THIS is what girls LIKE”?

Can I let you in on a little secret, about why we loved Ghostbusters before you ruined it?

It wasn’t just that we played “Ghostbusters” at recess, and we all picked out the one we wanted to be (plus there was Zeddemore, meaning opportunity for diversity).

It’s that when we were boys in 1984, and we had to use the bathroom together, we would joke “don’t cross the streams” while pissing. Okay? It was just a funny little “guy thing”. Always good for a chuckle. At camp, you could do a “callback” with another guy, and actually “cross streams” in the wilderness. Pre-pubescent hilarity would ensue.

So things like that are why the new Ghostbusters was a true disappointment. Why would I ever watch it? Any legitimate criticisms I might have would be shouted down as disempowering or oppressive. That’s called a “double-bind”. I learned about that in high school reading Anarchy Comix. When some people cannot win an argument, they resort to head games. It’s de rigueur. 

If you can’t win a debate, make debate impossible. Fanaticism. Fandom.

When one becomes fanatical, any changes to the object of fanaticism are seen as heresy. Once Star Wars became a lifestyle, a religion willfully consecrated by unpaid zealots, it was easy for Disney to repackage and market it as such. They caught you chasing a sensation while people were starving to death. Here’s a theme park you can drag your kids to, and a new movie concocted specifically to evoke that sensation. Line up, so we can get some nice promo footage for the evening news. Apparently there’s been a drive-by spoilering!

When it all comes crashing down, remember. All it was ever about was little plastic icons, and the literature that delineated their imaginary exploits. As always, it’s the worship where it all goes wrong.