Imagine yourself sprawled on a nameless battlefield, exhausted, gasping your final breaths into the mud. The air is thick with the scorched smell of spent artillery and the moans of the dying. How long before help arrives? Is it even coming? All you hear is the distant whistle of a locomotive, as it slowly approaches with detached menace.
toot toooooooooot
They’re coming to round up the survivors, you think as you squint into the hazy distance. The end is near. Best hope that it’s merciful when it comes. Surely this must be the onset of madness, brought on by impending extinction. The stench of carnage gives way to the comforting scent of… cheese pizza? Ice cream sundaes? Funnel cake?
The phantom train grows closer. An inhuman voice barks messages through a megaphone. What manner of dark manifesto is being broadcast here?
WE LIKE
WE LIKE TO PARTY
Tension melts away as the phrase is repeated, ad nauseam. Each word is a declarative statement:
WE- meaning there is more than one individual aboard the train.
LIKE- these people ‘like’ to party, meaning they won’t overdo it, and be irresponsible as they would if they ‘loved’ to party.
TO- these people are not currently partying, but show great interest in doing so.
PARTY- meaning ‘party’.
Who is this strange woman chanting and toasting above the fog? How does she figure into this mystery?
https://youtu.be/dQwB_fNJyPU
The conflict is settled and forgotten. The train pulls in with a cloud of confetti and streamers, spilling girls in bikinis and colorful balloons everywhere. Christ-like, an frail and elderly man springs to his feet, and begins dancing as though he were a much younger entity covered in old age make-up. Like a Pied Piper, this tuxedoed coot leads everyone to the altar of Party Shangri-La. All is well.
Now you have gazed into the Abyss, and the Abyss has gazed also into you.
Partying and music go together like macaroni and cheese; everyone knows this. The “party” concept is a subjective one, and each person has their own idea of what makes one good. Thus, songs about having a good time are generally appreciated by a wide range of listeners. Before he became indelibly linked with the busting of ghosts, Ray Parker Jr. used his bass guitar and synthesizers to get everybody up; it’s time to party, now.
https://youtu.be/v4H4dT7cFFY
Judicious use of synth tones is integral to classic party music; heavy guitars push it into headbanging territory, which is too much input (see Andrew WK’s face-smashing yet noble efforts). That’s why “party music” leans away from actual musical performance. The artificiality and lightness enhance the dumb fun. Hating party music is like hating pink bubble gum. You can rant all day; it rots your teeth, it sticks to your shoe, swallowing it is lethal. It won’t stop anyone from chewing the shit.
Bubble gum used to taste much better, because it contained sugar, yet another thing we once trusted that we’re now told is toxic. Sugar was formerly a part of a healthy diet. A spoonful of it made the medicine go down. You can’t bake a decent cake without sugar, and what’s a celebration without cake?
Before the fake British accent, Guy Ritchie, Kabbalah, Dick Tracy, Swept Away, and Die Another Day, there was this sexy little club minx from Michigan named Madonna Louise Ciccone. She posed nude in black and white for an issue of Penthouse (I think) that I ruined as a lad. She’s never had anything resembling a sense of humor, but she didn’t used to look like a female Iggy Pop, and she had an unbelievable gift for cutting dance gems like the one above. Equally great are “Dress You Up”, “Lucky Star”, and “Into The Groove”. The presence of David Bowie producer Nile Rodgers and state-of-the-art synthesizer equipment yield tremendous booty. I’m an aggro heterosexual who literally thinks about heated vaginal intercourse every nine seconds, and even I can admit that Madonna made some of the greatest dance music of all time.
Speaking of the Greatest Of All Time, you’re probably suggesting “Celebration”, to which I would reply that it’s overplayed, and suggest instead “Get Down On It”. Kool & The Gang– has there ever been a better band name? Is this not the coolest party music ever recorded?
Proper funk requires decent instrumentation, and so we have a capable combo to match the electric piano. This band has sold 70 million albums worldwide. They radiate rarified funk. They demonstrate the power unleashed when the elements of Funk and Party are fused.
The power of Party transcends language and international boundaries. Allow me to demonstrate this, with a bit of Implied Sound Theory thrown in for flavor.
Ever seen this viral video?
If you haven’t, you’re welcome. Get back to me in a few hours when you’re done with it.
Anyway, notice the song the man is playing. It’s difficult to identify because the audio track is second or third generation, so it’s off by a few keys, as well as chopped up. This is Implied Sound Theory, wherein a sound is changed by its environment. Briefly:
Picture yourself driving a car on a highway, at speed, with the windows down. You have music playing over the car’s speakers at top volume, but aspects of it are dropped out or altered by the wind rushing through the vehicle, and the environment outside the windows. The music sounds notably different. This effect is Implied Sound Theory.
The tiny dancer’s movements are comically enhanced by the noises coming from the man’s tape deck. This despite distortion from the tiny speaker, the boom mike, the VHS tape, and the YouTube compression. The source audio is “Holiday Rap” by DJ Sven and MC Miker G. This song defines “hateproof”.
The amazing sounds that made the pint-size Indian dance are actually two Dutch goofballs beat-boxing. Before that, they were the work of an Italian club nymph from the Mitten State.
That is the globe-spanning power of Party.
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