Let’s Play Victim!

It’s the popular classic game that anyone can play (ages 10 and up)!

You’ve been given a job to do, and you can’t do it! Gather the family ’round, and roll the dice. Time to pick a VICTIM card!

YOU WIN! All other players go back ten spaces and lose a turn!

It’s not about reaching the finish line- that’s for suckers. It’s about hiding your own faults and incompetence by pretending everyone is against you personally! Let’s play!

First, it’s Mom’s turn. She rolls the dice, which tumble off of the board and onto the carpet. Mom gets an EXTRA TURN, because according to the rules, an accident like that is the fault of either the wind, the instability of the playing surface, or misogyny. FREE TURN!

Next up is Sis; all men are required to play last, out of shame for the gender into which they were born. Sis rolls the dice and lands on a BOX OFFICE BOMB square!

Of course Sis rolls a 1; the die included with VICTIM! has a 1 on half its sides. She picks a VICTIM CARD!

However, Sis is Caucasian, so by the rules of the game, she must return to START, surrender her now-useless VICTIM card, and bow her head out of solemn respect for everyone that’s colored differently than herself. If she opens her mouth, she forfeits the game, and must not be permitted to play again.

PSYCH! Sis is a girl, so she gets a VICTIM card automatically upon landing on START. Tough break, “fam”!

While Sis collects her hard-earned winnings, Junior rolls the dice. Uh-oh; he’s landed on IMAGE CHANGE! That means he gets to pick a CHANGE card!

Tough luck; Junior rolls a 6! Plus, by the rules, since Junior is male and white, any VICTIM cards he picks can be rendered null by the consensus of the women playing. Otherwise, the game would just be unfair to females.

Dad rolls the die next, and because he’s a grown man, he must spend three turns waiting on the START square. This way, it’s impossible for him to use the unfair advantages he clearly possesses, being an adult white male. What kind of a game would this be, if he was allowed to compete fairly? It would only mess everything up for the other, more innocent players.

Dad gets to pick a VICTIM card, but he is only permitted to do so while crying about what a weak person he is. Under no circumstances is Dad allowed to exhibit pride or confidence at any point during play. Those things have no place in healthy competition, and carry a penalty of another turn on the START square. If Dad attempts to exert rightful authority over his family during play, the other players are asked to bow their heads and display shame at his efforts. Only Mom is permitted to display parental authority, because it’s impossible for women to be irrational or violent, and the children won’t fear the beatings that they hear lower-class kids receive from their dads.

Mom invokes the “I’LL DO IT” rule, taking over Dad’s playing piece while he quits the game and goes off to drink beer alone. Mom is now free to implement any new rule she chooses, as long as it causes Dad to lose. She forgoes rolling the die, and just grabs a new VICTIM card for Dad. Mom knows best, after all.

What a coup for Dad! However, since he quit the game like a dumb tough guy, Mom gets to decide who really wins. What a surprise- it’s Mom!

Sis thinks that’s pretty sneaky. Mom didn’t earn that VICTIM card, after all! Too bad Sis didn’t read the rules. They’re updated, hourly, on the VICTIM! website. Mom has a browser window open on her phone, giving her a sporting advantage, but Sis sees an opportunity.

“How can you afford that fancy phone on welfare?” Sis opines.

“I think it’s very sad that you judge people like that,” Mom replies. “You obviously hail from a background of privilege. So what if I got this phone for free? I still have to pay for the monthly service,” Mom continues, properly avoiding eye contact.

Sis is secretly embarrassed for even asking, but Mom continues. “I never had the things you had, growing up, because of what I am. You don’t even care that this house was built by poor, innocent people who were savagely beaten and kept as property. How can you even sleep at night? Do you know how many refugees would die to live here? If it were up to you, there’d be internment camps for those people.”

Junior is insulted. “No society has ever flourished under an attitude such as yours,” he says. Mom states that Junior’s opinions are harmful to the game itself, and that he is a deplorable, spoiled, “cisgendered” scumbag. “Not to mention imperialist, and Islamaramaphobic, which is a new prejudice I just made up. I’m just grateful that I’m not your parent or guardian,” Mom says.

By this time Sis and Junior are fed up. They head for the closet to grab another game: ACCOMPLISH! However, upon opening the box, they see that half the pieces are missing. The rule sheet is gone too.

“That game is broken, and you wouldn’t want to play it anyway,” Mom mutters in her wimpish monotone. “Some racist bigot probably messed it up, or the Russians. It was too hard to play, anyway.”

Soon Mom is the only player left hunched over the game board. The rest of the family has lost interest and moved on to other things in life, quietly.

MOM IS THE WINNER!!!