Shitting Monsters

If you take somebody else’s idea, and sell the world your own version of it, you might be a shitting monster.

If you enjoy success, and it leaves you, and you take it out on others, you might be a shitting monster.

If you brought a kid into the world, expecting it to raise itself, you might be a shitting monster.

If being a star has convinced you that your offspring are magically talented, you might be a shitting monster.

If success in your chosen field has inspired you to lecture your friends on politics, you might be a shitting monster.

If you upgraded your smartphone this year, but didn’t read any books, you might be a shitting monster.

If you attend a movie theater or similar gathering simply to be disruptive, you might be a shitting monster.

If you look at a minimum-wage entry-level job as a destination and not a stepping stone, you might be a shitting monster.

If you own a state-of-the-art television and game console, but your diet consists of processed fast food and soda pop, you might be a shitting monster.

If you’re in public with your children, and they’re begging you to look away from your phone, you might be a shitting monster.

If you expect any form of public servant to do your thinking for you, you might be a shitting monster.

If you think government exists for any reason other than to govern you, you might be a shitting monster.

If you follow a comedian because they validate your pet-hates, you might be a shitting monster.

If you believe the world owes you a living based on your looks, you might be a shitting monster.

If you build nothing, and think you can tell other people how to live, you might be a shitting monster.

If you label anyone who disagrees with you a Nazi, or a racist, you might be a shitting monster.

If your debate repertoire includes the words “Nazi” or “Hitler” at all, you might be a shitting monster.

If you think your children should be acclimated to social media, you might be a shitting monster.

If you’ve ever screamed at someone who asked you to use your indoor voice, you might be a shitting monster.

If you emotionally manipulate your kids to do things for you because you’re just lazy, you might be a shitting monster.

If you think a difference of opinion should cost someone their job, you might be a shitting monster.

If you have an attitude about riding your bicycle, a vehicle, on the sidewalk, a path used by people who have to walk (plus handicapped people), you might be a shitting monster.

If the bulk of your time online is spent snooping others’ private lives, with the intent of causing trouble, you might be a shitting monster.

If you’re subconsciously envious of savvier computer users, and you misdirect your anger at “trolls” or “hackers”, you might be a shitting monster.

If you dredge up horrors from the soulless depths of the Internet, purely to volunteer your feigned and virtuous disgust, you might be a shitting monster.

If you’re teaching your kids materialism by placing undue emphasis on expensive possessions, you might be a shitting monster.

If you expect an unhealthy obsession to buy you a career in the production of a popular film or TV show, you might be a shitting monster.

If you believe you can make a living from a posting career, you might be a shitting monster.

If you call yourself a comedian, but use your wife and child as human shields when you’re attacked or even criticized, you might be a shitting monster.

If you cash in on your reputation, you might be a shitting monster.

And folks; if you take a half-plagiarized idea, stretch it over six hundred redundant words, and call it a finished article, you definitely might be a shitting monster.

[The author would like to apologize to his readers, as well as Jeff Foxworthy. Oh, also Hanna-Barbera.]