The Power Of Michelles

Not to put too fine a point on it, but in my experiences, girls named Michelle tend to be extra powerful.

As a dude, I’m not meant to understand it too deeply. I don’t know if spelling it with one “l” or two makes a difference. What I do know, is that if you value your soul, you do not mess around with girls named Michelle. 

It would be impolite of me to get personal on this matter, so allow me to utilize a public example, and a shining one: Michelle Jenneke.

Michelle “Shelly” Jenneke is an Australian hurdler and model, who won a silver medal for the 100m hurdles at the 2010 Summer Youth Olympics. She won the 100m hurdles at the 2016 Australian Athletics Championships to qualify for the Rio Olympic Games. She received worldwide media attention in 2012 for her pre-race warm-up dance.

Okay, about that last sentence. Note the use of “worldwide”. If your heart rate accelerated as mine just did, you’re familiar with the warm-up in question. If not, use extreme caution while viewing the following video.

Plain and simple, that is a bouncing column of female energy. “Femergy”, if you will. See where she wiggles her fingers at her sides? That’s casting off the excess. Not one of her competitors is even close to that power level. She’s won already.

Michelles often have long hair, sometimes dark, usually in a ponytail while active, which behaves as an extension of their head. If they have short hair, it frames their face anywhere from nicely to beautifully. How this level of consistency and integrity is maintained without a visible Order lies outside my comprehension. I don’t even see the name as the feminine version of “Michael”. It has an intangible presence all its own.

Dude: this girl would frigging destroy you. On a sub-molecular level. Just sear your privates clean off. Put it out of your mind.

One of the better celebrity hitch-ups of the past twenty years was that of Michelle Williams and the late Heath Ledger, both established actors at the time. I was already aware of Williams, because of her role in the criminally underrated Dick, from 1999.

Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst.

She and Kirsten Dunst play earnest yet ditzy teenagers who (fictionally) cause the Watergate scandal, and destroy Richard Nixon, in 1972. It was written by Andrew Fleming and Sheryl Longin, is quite sharp, and stars Dan Hedaya (Nixon), Harry Shearer (G. Gordon Liddy), Will Ferrell (Woodward), and Bruce McCulloch (Bernstein). But the key to the whole piece is the duo of Williams and Dunst, who are true-hearted girls that cannot abide Dick’s trickiness. Hedaya’s portrayal of Nixon is perfect, the pre-9/11 lightness is a balm, and the girls are absolutely adorable. 

It doesn’t hurt that the two of them lick lollipops that say “DICK” on them over the closing credits, either.

I couldn’t find the lollipop picture, probably because they were technically minors at the time. Go rent the movie, creep.

I’ve merely scratched the surface of the world of the Michelle. Note how I could only cover two here. What does that tell you? How many other girls’ names are the focus of Beatles songs? Good ones? Gee, you think that might’ve had a touch of cultural impact? On the ladies? Nahhh, why would it?

Partly sung in French. In case you’ve never heard it, it sounds more or less like panties moistening.

However, and surely this is not news to you, a Michelle made it to First Lady a few years back. That’s above celebrity, and there’s only one step left to climb from there.

Too bad the Michelle that ran for the position around the same time was a fruit loop. That is the exception to the rule (the “False Michelle”), and a tale best left forgotten.