I vaguely promised you, that if I continued to rage upon what J.J. Abrams and Disney have done to the Star Wars saga, I would at least try to make it funny. Well, voilà, space jerks.
I’m making a funny game of it.
A major talking point in my animosity towards “Episode 7” is the lead character “Poe Dameron”, whose name is a near-spoonerism of Nicolas Cage’s role in the 1997 stinker Con Air. This is proof positive that J.J. Abrams and Disney didn’t “get it”.
There are three minor characters in George Lucas’ Return of the Jedi named Klaatu, Barada and Nikto. Their names are not spoken on-screen; we learned them from their action figures, and from comics and trading cards. From their names we were led to the brilliant 1951 science-fiction film The Day The Earth Stood Still. So were the kids lucky enough to see Sam Raimi’s Army of Darkness.
Birth of Imagination.
“Poe Dameron” leads you to a shitty Nicolas Cage movie. I had to sit through it while in jail. It’s crap.
So I came up with a crappy game. War Stars. You make a spoonerism of a famous name, and cook up a ripped-off little bio to go with it.
C’mon, give it a shot first!
TENTIN QUARANTINO
A changeling obsessed with Rebellion-era holographic movies. Forever tries to ingratiate himself with the Rebels, often by directing ham-fisted anti-Empire propaganda.
BIM TURTON
Another maker of holographic entertainment, from Tatooine. Tends to paint stripes on everything and pout in the dark.
SOUIE LI-KAY
One of the funniest comedians to do stand-up at the Cantina, until he starts talking about his younglings.
WOSS JEEDUN
Creator of “Huffy the Mynock Slayer”, an overrated holo-vision franchise. Looks like Han Roward having a severe allergy attack.
STON JEWART
This one’s not so good.
NEVOR TROAH
An extremely frustrated alien who doesn’t want you to notice his skin color, but won’t stop talking about it.
SHAMEY UMER
Make your own joke. I guarantee there’s a better Photoshop on the web combining Amy Schumer and a Star Wars alien than I could make. Remember how sicked out we all were when she did a pictorial in bed with C-3PO and R2-D2? Disney would love for you for forget that, believe me.
DENA LUNHAM
That’s probably a real person’s name, and she’s probably even more awful.
NIL BYE
A confused Imperial officer who disguises himself as a scientist, to betray the Rebellion’s trust and trick them into turning on each other.
JAMUEL L-SAXON
That sounds like a pretty chill dude, actually. Maybe he raps at the Cantina.
CAT POOPER
That’s what you get with “Pat Cooper”. How funny is that?!? I included it solely for that reason!
STERILE MREEP
You know, like Salacious Crumb, doing a redundant Trump impersonation. Which… is not without its charms.
TRONALD DUMP
Again- make your own joke. You probably call him this already.
I image-searched this in less than twenty seconds. To think, I was planning to create images for this piece.
That’s a healthy head start for you. I guarantee you’re already coming up with your own War Stars characters. Knock yourself out. Spoonerisms are lure-fire shiterary devices, aren’t they?
Boo yet your comma’s money!
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